Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Day 21

Officially three weeks since the surgery. Woke up this morning to find that the acne cream I applied on my face last night decided to make my allergies flare up, so I had humongous red spots all over my face. Went to the doctor for a facial, and then a shot I received in my ass. That was fantastic. Got more medication. This is going to be fun.

Popped another band while slurping lunch. I’m now trying to eat all my meals with utensils instead of attempting to drink them. Curiously, I’m only popping rubber bands on my left side. It’s like my right side knows that I’ll never be able to put it back on so it’s being calm. Interesting.

A few hours later, the redness in my face has significantly subsided from this morning. Oh, the miracles of modern medicine. The large spot on my left cheek has been reduced to a lighter pink, and the spots on my left have nearly disappeared. I might have to go back tomorrow morning for another shot, but I hope not. Sticking needles isn’t my ass isn’t part of my ideal day.

Also, another piece of good news – my ears popped today! I was watching “The Black Dahlia” when I realized that I could manually pop my ears. My right is better than my left right now, but I’m not complaining. Amazing what bad cinema can do to the body. 


Monday, August 30, 2010

Day 20

One day away from being three weeks post-op. I thought it would never come, and yet it has. Went to see the dermatologist today. He’s the older brother of a family friend. I hate going to the derma because I feel like their jobs are pretty much useless. They just prescribe you some medication and say, “Let’s see how this works out. Come back in __ weeks and we’ll discuss your progress.” If I had to be a doctor, I’d be a derma because you don’t do anything. You don't even touch the patient's face! You just look and then pull out your prescription pad. It’s a pretty sweet gig with an extensive salary.

Because of the swelling in my cheeks, I forbade them to touch my face. Otherwise, I would’ve gone through another very painful session of them popping all of my pimples. Gross.

There’s not that much change except that I can open my mouth a bit wider everyday, or at least I think I can. I also think I can bring out my lower jaw a little further than yesterday. For dinner mom made a curry porridge, which didn’t look that great but tasted fine. Also ate this chicken salad mush before eating another pancake for dessert. We have a can of baked beans that I would love to devour but we don’t have can opener. I’m also clueless as to where to get one. It’s truly the simple things in life you miss the most.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Day 19

Woke up today and my face seems to have gotten worse overnight. I don’t know what is exactly causing the breakout, but it’s really distressing. I can’t decide what’s worse – having bad skin or having a swollen face. Wasn’t planning on seeing a dermotologist here, but now I feel like I must. Making plans for it soon.
Brushed for the first time yesterday, or at least attempted to do so. Then I had difficulty reattaching one of my rubber bands, so I don’t know if I’m going to do it again with my bands off. The gunk on my tongue made me gag, though. It’s INSANE. And it needs to go.

Discovered “The Big Band Theory” today and am disappointed that I never gave this show a chance as it’s hilarious. Had a few laughs, so morale is up today, but seeing as I’m still counting days I really can’t wait for this to be over. Also, I’m considering going on antidepressants as my mood swings are getting really out of control. One minute I feel really great and satisfied with my surgery, the next I want to crawl into bed and never come out again.



Saturday, August 28, 2010

Day 18

Woke up feeling a bit blue still from last night, but mom made mashed potatoes from scratch for breakfast. No gravy, but still better than all the shit I’ve been eating for the past 2 weeks. Watched “Hollywoodland,” which is a seriously underrated film. Midday, while I was eating pudding, one of my rubber bands broke. I left it off for about two hours before I reattached my first rubber band by myself. And it took me less than a minute! I’m going to try and brush my teeth tonight. Hopefully I’ll be able to get the bands right back on again. The gums around the screws are a bit inflamed from the lack of brushing, I think, so I’m going to try and remedy that.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Day 17

Today began like any other day, but I felt so horrible after the doctor’s appointment that it easily became one of the worst days post-op. There were two things that occurred that really brought down my morale. First, I had the stitches in my mouth removed. This was a very painful process, contrary to what others have written. I could feel some of the strings being pulled out. Other times, I felt a pinch and could taste the blood in my mouth. I spent most of my time trying not to be freaked out.

Second, I had my bite splint attached to my teeth. Since it moves around a lot, they wired it to my top braces. I’m supposed to wear this for another 21 days, until my next appointment. The thought of that is so discouraging to me that I have very little desire to do any of my mouth exercises. My muscles can form to what I have now for all I care. I don’t want to open my mouth ever again unless it’s to get this thing removed. 

After we left the hospital, I started crying in the middle of the street and told my mom that I regretted getting the surgery. I had no idea that the mental challenges would be like this. It's really on a whole other level. Yup, throwing a pity party means that today is definitely a bad day. 

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Day 15

I can’t believe it’s been 15 days since my surgery. Then again, I can. The swelling seems to have gotten to a standstill. I haven’t seen any significant change. But I did a cucumber facial tonight, and it feels like it helped with the swelling. I feel less pressure on my right cheek. I wake up in the mornings to realize that I’m sleeping on either my left or right cheek, which is what is contributing to the swelling. I’m finding it difficult to get all my daily calories. Food has no taste, and I am losing the desire to eat.

I can’t wait to get the stitches removed on Friday. They’re starting to dig into my braces and causing sporadic bouts of pain every now and then. I still have a small sliver of hope that my bite splint will be removed, but I know better than to hold my breath. The 1 month mark can’t get here any faster.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Day 13

Been having trouble sleeping at night because I sleep mostly during the day. Took a remedy to that by exerting excessive energy today. Thought the main branch of Kyobo bookstore was open (in conjunction with the reopening of the palace) but it wasn’t. Ended up going to the Samsung Hospital area and seeing the remnants of my great-grandfather’s house.

The swelling still exists, and I caught a few curious glances, especially when I was in the hospital area, but most people seem not to notice very much. It’s only exacerbated when I open my mouth as my speech leaves much to be desired. Returned home to find the swelling less significant than earlier in the day. Also managed to disloge the bite splint and remove a piece of food only to discover that there’s more food lodged in it. The cleaning will have to wait until my next doctor’s appointment, which is Friday.


Sunday, August 22, 2010

Day 12

This morning isn’t much better than the last. Woke up late because mother went to her hometown in the early AM, which means I slept until 11am. Then I started watching “Lord of the Rings: Return of the King,” which is three hours long. What a waste of a morning. Ate porridge, and cups and cups of mango juice. Also drank one New Care can, which is the Korean equivalent of Ensure. I only drink the strawberry flavored because original taste is really gross. Still hungry but thinning out the porridge is such work.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Day 11

Woke up this morning to find that my left side had swollen twice the size of my right. I think I slept on my left side last night, thus the swelling. The swelling hasn’t gone down very much, which worries me, as I’m quickly approaching the two week mark. 

Practiced opening and closing my mouth today, but I think the rubber bands are digging into either my gums or my stitches, so it’s painful when I try to close. Laughing hurts immensely, and I feel like The Joker when I do it. Been trying to eat more to get those el bees back up to a normal, viable weight as I look like a walking skeleton.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Day 10

Went to the doctor today. I think I was feeling quite emotional, and it just ended up getting unleashed while I was there. First, they put salt water on my stitches which kinda burned. I had my bite splint removed and got to rinse away as much as possible. The super industrial strength rubber bands were replaced with looser ones, which allow for more mobility. I have to practice opening my mouth for 10 seconds while saying, “Ahhhh.” 

They were showing me how to put on the rubber bands myself when I looked into my mouth and saw that my surgical hooks are actually embedded in my gums. I think they’re actually the titanium screws. It grossed me out immensely. I couldn’t bring myself to touch them.

Went home, rented the second part of Lord of the Rings and tweeted about it. 


Thursday, August 19, 2010

Day 9

Slept fitfully for the first time last night since the surgery began. The swollen throat is now nonexistent, and I have a lot of feeling in my left cheek now. The feeling intensified during the day, and now I only have numbness in my chin. The cheeks are still swollen, though. I have lost one of my multiple chins. Now I am only double chinned. Hurrah.

Can open mouth a bit wider now, so I’ve been trying to consume more calories. Still difficult to get it up there, though. I’m constantly hungry now. I dream about fried chicken and think about foods from my childhood, like Kenny Rogers Chicken. What happened to that? Tacos are also very pervasive in my thoughts.

Read over the paper from the hospital only to realize that I won’t be able to eat meat until I’ve hit the 3 month mark. I nearly had a heart attack. Also, I most likely won’t be getting my splint removed tomorrow. That’ll be for the next visit, as they count days from the day you’re discharged from the hospital, NOT from surgery date. Things are so ass backwards in this country, and I really want to go home now. I think about my queen sized Temperpudic mattress a lot, especially at night. Oh, America, I miss you.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Day 8

Woke up last night in a fit of pain. It hit me from nowhere. I felt like I woke up to find my entire face on fire. When I woke up again this morning, I felt a lot better, but I’m still taking mini naps throughout the day. I realized last night how extremely thin I’ve become, even more so than I already was. I can see my entire rib cage in the mirror now. I could go in as a live skeleton to a med school for observation.

I can move my mouth open a little, but it gets me tired pretty easily. It’s easier during the day. I now have extreme pains in my ass, mostly because there’s nothing between my ass bone and the floor/the bed/chair.
I can feel my right back molars. I think my left ones are hitting the right place, too, but I can’t feel them yet. 

The yellow in my neck still seems to be there, but I can move my neck further back than before. I’m trying to eat as much as possible, but my laziness is overwhelming me. It doesn’t stop me from being constantly hungry, though.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Day 7

Sleep is getting a bit better, but it’s still off. I keep sleeping during the morning/afternoon and stay up all night. Last night, I flipped out again thinking that I couldn’t breathe and stayed up until about 5am.

I can now move my upper lip up and down as well as open my mouth a little, but the bands are really straining. I get tired of opening pretty quickly. The yellow in my neck has gone down some, so has the swelling in my cheeks. The left side is still a bit numb compared to the right, and the chin is completely numb. I keep thinking that I’m going to get the feeling back in my lower lip since it tingles every now and then, but nothing has happened. Three more days until I see the surgeon again. I’m hoping that he’s going to say that I can take out my bite splint early.


Monday, August 16, 2010

Day 6

Got even less sleep last night. I kept thinking that I couldn’t breathe properly so I spent a great deal of time trying not to flip out. But it’s amazing how much progress a single day can make. After two day time naps, the swelling in my face reduced significantly. The milky feeling in my throat is starting to subside, and I’m starting to feel less like I have a sore throat. By the end of the day, I could feel my entire right cheek – almost. There are a few spots near my chin that are still touch and go. 

But my left side is starting to worry me. There’s a pricking sensation that’s irritating. I can’t decide if it’s a stitch or if it’s a bracket that’s irritating my gum/stitch. I put pressure on it whenever I swallow, so it’s cumbersome.

The swelling is now officially on its way down, and I’m a lot more optimistic now that I feel like the tough parts are nearly over.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Day 5

Didn’t sleep at all last night. Went to the hospital at 7:30am to have my rubber bands replaced. Spent a large chunk of my day passed out, spitting up phlegm, or attempting to eat. I’m so hungry, but I’m scared to eat because of the phlegm. Aunt and uncle came by today, and aunt told me that I still have some of the anesthesia in my system, which is why I’m still coughing up the phlegm.

Morale is higher today as some of the swelling has noticeably been reduced, but I still have a long way to go. I can feel tingles in my bottom lip, which make me hopeful in having feeling return to them in a few days. I can’t decide if I want to make my cheeks slimmer or get feeling back in my lips first. I’m really hoping that the worst is behind me, but after reading some of the other jaw surgery accounts, you’re not really out of the woods until you hit around Day 10. I keep trying to remind myself that it’s one day at a time, and not to rush my thoughts. For someone with my temperament, this is proving difficult.

Also, I’m slightly concerned that I’m going to start having ear pain, as I can feel a slight pressure in my left ear. Worrisome. 


Saturday, August 14, 2010

Day 4

First full day at home, if you can call it that. Couldn’t sleep last night, so I spent a lot of today sleeping. I also spend a better part of today spitting up the phlegm that’s congealed in my throat. It’s not attractive, and I’m scared that I’m going to bust open my stitches. I don’t think I could mentally handle a complication right now. 

Morale is higher today than yesterday, partly because I’ve discovered an online forum as well as dozens of other blogs that chronicle their own journeys with jaw surgery. The splint (wafer, mouth guard) moved twice today, freaking me out. Going to the hospital again tomorrow to see why it keeps moving. A part of me is hoping that they’ll take out the wafer and just leave the bands. Not getting my hopes up that much, though, by reading the experiences of others. Feeling a bit more optimistic as I think my swelling has gone down some today after my 3 hour afternoon nap.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Day 3

Last day at the hospital.

Got my IV removed in the morning, which was joy. But then I discovered that my mouth guard is going to be in place for 1.5 months. The thought of eating like this is daunting. 

When I got home, I had difficulty getting down antibiotics due to the thickness of the liquid. DILUTE EVERYTHING WITH WATER. To the MAX. 

I'm absolutely starving but I can only drink thinned liquids. Really depressed about the state of my face, the state of my life. To think that only a month ago, I was a contributing member of society. Low morale today.

On top of all this, liquids keep going down the wrong pipe, and I can't enough cough because I'm banded shut so tightly.

The only evidence of my prim & proper self are old photos.
I don't even remember what it's like to put on makeup at this point.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Day 2

I recovered from my fever, and began to drink more liquids. At this stage, I would say that people should bring you juices when they visit you in the hospital. They taste really good.

A girl left the hospital and went home to BUSAN (which is a good 2 hour train ride from Seoul and that's using the bullet train). Before she left, I discovered that she had surgery for purely aesthetic reasons, and I hated her. But she had these really big eyes so I couldn't hate her for long. Also, she gave me pumpkin juice thing in this plastic bag. It tasted great. I'm easily won over by food.

Hello Kitty girl kept snoring. I roamed the halls at night and passed out during the day when she's watching TV or on the computer.

I now have to write out everything I want to say. My Korean skills are quickly improving out of necessity.

Got banded in the morning, so now I can't spit phlegm out when I want to. It's a total battle.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Day 1

After a horrifying night in ICU, I was moved to the regular rooms in the hospital. I had to share a room with three other girls. One was a full day of recovery ahead of me. The other two were girls from my ICU. The girl with the duck pillow, I think, had her face bones shaved to have a more slimmer looking face. The girl with the Hello Kitty everything had the same type of underbite as me. At some point during the recovery, her younger brother came to visit her and she would throw ice packs at him when he did or said something she didn't like. This made me want to laugh but the stitches and the swelling made it too painful.

Hello Kitty girl snored like my dad - she could move walls. I swear to God at some point I saw her bed shake from her snores. If you have the opportunity, take the single room. I signed up for it too late, and got stuck with no sleep for the first few days post-op. Though I don't know if the single helps that much as the discomfort is really unbearable the first few days. Sleep seems to elude all post-ops.

That night, I ran a low grade fever, and had to get pumped with various meds. I felt like crap, and every time a nurse asked me how I was doing, I wanted to punch her in the face. Except I felt too weak to bring up my arm.

This was also the first day with my bite splint.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Pre-Op/Day of Operation

In a little more than 12 hours, I’m going into surgery. When I put it like that, it sounds daunting and absolutely frightening. I’ve tried not to think about it, avoiding the idea like a summer cold. The less I think about it, the less I’ll be afraid of that time – that’s been my train of thought thus far. 

This is an entry from my journal for Aug. 9. Looking back, so much of what I wrote was a colossal mistake. For one, I should have fully researched everything that comes with jaw surgery. If I could do it again, here are the things I would've done:


  1. Get myself started on a dose of anti-depressants. I'm really shocked at how crazy your mood swings can be post-op. 
  2. Read about other people's experiences with the liquid diet. I knew that this was a part of the healing process, but I don't think I fully understood what this meant. Reading liquid diet for 6 weeks is one thing, but really experiencing is another thing altogether.
  3. Read about other people's experiences with pain. I braced myself for a certain amount of pain, but the discomfort is OVERWHELMING. More than the pain itself, it's annoying to not be able to talk, sleep vertically, eat your favorite foods, have a throat the size of a golf ball, cheeks like a chipmunk for WEEKS... 
  4. Talk to other people who have had the surgery, preferably people who are undergoing the healing process or going through the same stages as you. There are tons of forums out there which provide really great support groups. 
  5. Buy acne cream, or stock up on your usual facial regime. Some people are lucky enough to have reactions from the steroids and meds they pump into you post-op, and get really fantastic breakouts of pimples. As if you didn't feel like a teenager with the braces, nature decided to send you another reminder.
My pre-op experience basically came to this. I arrived at the hospital at 6:30am and changed into hospital clothes. I was put into a room with five beds. All five were occupied when I arrived. In total, there were around 10 people who went into surgery with me that day. There were more, I realized later on, but I just never saw them. This is the scale of operations this hospital performs on a daily basis. My own doctor had two surgeries that day. I was the second. The first girl was done in less than 2.5 hours.

I remember walking into a freezing cold operation room. I laid down on the bed, shivering from the cold. The anesthesiologist put something over my mouth and told me to take deep breaths. That was it. Apparently, I woke up post-op and tried to talk to my mother, but I don't remember that at all. The next memory I have is waking up in the ICU (this was a basic requirement of the hospital stay, NOT because something went wrong) and watching the girl next to me puke blood into a plastic bucket.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Choosing A Doctor

I met with two doctors in Seoul. The first was a private hospital in the plastic surgery mecca of the capital. The hospital was famous for jaw surgeries, like the Dr. 90210 of Korea, with multiple press junkets, TV programs, etc. He had an extensive resume and was one of the first people to begin to use a surgery first method. This is an option given to people like me, who have already had braces, to have the opportunity to have the surgery and then return to 6-8 months of braces. This meant that I would be able to skip over the 1-1.5 years of wearing braces before having the operation. I liked this option for a number of reasons, the greatest being that I would be a braceface for a maximum of a year.

The second doctor was someone recommended to me by a family member. He was much older than the first doctor, around 60+, and was a part of a university hospital in the plastic surgeon department. Retrospectively, I realize that this should've been a red flag, as this is maxillofacial surgery, NOT plastic surgery. However, I was too naive to make this connection, and after pressure from family members, I ended up choosing this man as my surgeon.

For anyone who is trying to decide on a surgeon, TRUST YOUR GUT. If you think the doctor is too old, too dumb, too inexperienced, too whatever, GO WITH SOMEONE ELSE. And DO NOT let anyone pressure you into choosing a doctor. This is YOUR surgery, and YOU are the one who will have to live with the consequences. Go with someone who instills a sense of confidence and calm about your future face.

After I returned to the States in early June, I began making plans to fly back to Seoul to prep for my Aug. 8 surgery date. I flew back in mid-July to begin work with the dentist who was NOT a part of the university hospital (even though the hospital has its own dental school). Again, this should've raised another red flag, but my naiveté won.

The day after I arrived, I plunged into dental works, aka getting braces. Got my spacers inserted, a few days later, had my back brackets put into place. That was when things started going downhill. One of my back brackets weren't put in correctly, so my back teeth wouldn't meet properly. The next day, I went to meet with the surgeon. With the operation looming less than 3 weeks away, I was expecting a more detailed explanation of the game plan for my jaw. That was when he started asking me how I wanted to have the surgery - did I want both upper and lower, was I interested in genioplasty, etc. Aside from me asking post-op questions, he had nothing to tell me save for the fact that he planned on going on vacation from Aug. 2-8.

After this meeting, I immediately called my best friend whose entire family is in the medical profession. She expressed her skepticism, which corroborated my own, and told me to discuss this again with my parents.

A few days later, I went to the dentist, assuming that they were going to put on my brackets. When I arrived, they first inserted an expander in my mouth without having told me previously that I was getting an expander. That was when I started to come to the realization that I was completely clueless about the dentist's plan for my mouth, in addition to the plans for the surgery. I was getting pretty upset while sitting in my chair, but the last straw came with the brackets.

The first day I arrived, I had discussed with my dentist that I specifically wanted to have enamel colored brackets for the top teeth and metal on the bottom. When I looked in the mirror after they placed the brackets, I saw that they put all metal. I was LIVID. When I complained that the metal brackets were not the ones I had requested, my dentist showed me the paper that showed the words "metal" written under brackets. I told him that I don't know who wrote that, but it was something I hadn't requested. The fact that his attitude was like, "They're on now, just keep them on" made me absolutely furious. If I'm paying thousands of dollars for a service, I expect for the job to be done well. That means that if I want enamel brackets and you put on metal, you go back and put enamel brackets in my mouth even if it's a pain because at the end of the day, you fucked up and this customer is NOT happy.

After more discussion, I come to realize that the dentist (the one who actually comes up with the plan for the surgery) hadn't made the measurements and graphed a chart for me yet, citing that he hadn't had enough time. He gives me more excuses by saying that this entire procedure is rushed. I heard that as him saying that he's inadequate to prep me for an operation that's now 16 days away. When I told him that I wanted to further discuss the plans for my surgery, he brushed me off by saying that he had a lot of patients to see today. I heard that as him saying that he didn't consider my status as a patient as important and that my concern for my surgery was unwarrented and an overreaction. I left the office with an internal struggle with how I should proceed.

LOTS of tears and LOTS of stress later, my uncle (with whom I was staying) showed me the website of another hospital that only performed jaw surgeries. At that point, I was torn between staying in Seoul and meeting with other doctors or just giving up and going home. But then I figured since I was already there, it wouldn't hurt to meet at least one more. I'm really glad I did, because that was how I found my surgeon.

From the first moment I walked into the new hospital, I knew this was the place. Lots of meetings later, I was finally matched with a surgeon who had an opening for Aug. 10 (two days after my original date) due to a previous patient canceling due to problems with their blood test. I was told by the head nurse that I was lucky to get Dr. Park because his surgeries tend to be shorter than the other doctors due to his experience and skill. I felt like this was just another sign, so I prepped myself for Aug. 10.